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Mar 31, 2026
In the mood for love: What fulfilling sex really needs
It is one of those topics we talk about with our best friends — all kinds of things, jobs, children, relationship stress, menopause. But sex? What is no longer working in bed? Usually: silence. And yet that is exactly what matters so much. Because when intimacy in a relationship suffers, much more usually suffers with it.
The good news: It is never too late for a fulfilling love life. And the path there does not begin in bed — it begins in the mind.
What women really miss
Many women believe they miss sex. But if you listen more closely, something else is often underneath: physical closeness. intimacy. the feeling of truly being seen — and of no longer having lost themselves.
Women in their 30s, 40s, and 50s have often functioned for years. As mothers, as partners, as leaders. At some point, they realize: in the process, I lost sight of myself. And if you cannot feel yourself, it is hard to fully let go even in the most intimate moment.
That is not an isolated case. It is a pattern that runs through many life realities.
The body we do not like
Studies show that body acceptance is one of the decisive keys to sexual satisfaction. And yet women are their own harshest critics. The belly after pregnancy, breasts that have changed, skin that is aging — everything is noticed in detail and judged mercilessly.
And the irony is this: men usually do not see it the way women assume they do. They see the woman — not the supposed flaws.
The body-positivity movement has set a lot in motion. More women show themselves, hide less, accept their bodies a little more. And yet: we still have not fully arrived there. That is not just because of the media — it is because we often give ourselves too little time to truly get to know ourselves. Our own bodies. Our own desires. Our own boundaries.
A first step can be so small: when you are putting on lotion anyway, take two or three extra minutes. Feel your body consciously. Not functionally, but with real kindness.
Why the to-do list is the biggest libido killer
Desire begins in the mind. That is not a romantic metaphor — it is biology. While men can more or less get in the mood at the push of a button, women need time, relaxation, and the feeling of being allowed to be truly present.
If you are mentally running through the grocery list at night, thinking about the trash that still has not been taken out, and meanwhile wondering what the kids will eat tomorrow morning, letting go becomes difficult. That is not weakness. It is reality.
That is why the unequal distribution of care work is not a side issue when it comes to intimacy. It is central to it. If someone wants the mood to be right, they also need to make sure their partner is relaxed. “If you want sex, be kind” — there is more truth in that Austrian saying than it may seem at first.
Talking helps — but only if you do it right
Communication is everything. No partner can read minds. If something changes, if desire fades, if wishes remain unspoken, the connection gets lost.
That does not mean discussing everything in bed — that tends to kill the mood. Neutral places, no blame, clear wishes, that is the formula. And: humor. Laughing together is not just nice — it is incredibly sexy.
Planning closeness — sounds unromantic, works wonders
Spontaneous sex sounds tempting. But if we are honest, between everyday life, work, children, and everything else, it usually just does not happen. What we plan for our annual vacation, dentist appointments, and trash collection, we can also plan for intimacy.
That does not mean rigidly writing “sex” into the calendar at 8:00 p.m. It means deliberately creating space Maybe a date night. Maybe 15 minutes of cuddling on the couch every day. Maybe simply hugging each other when passing by. These small gestures keep the connection alive, and desire grows from them naturally.
Masturbation: the best way to get to know your own body
It is still a topic that even best friends sometimes stay silent about. And yet masturbation is one of the most direct ways to understand your own body, and therefore the basis for showing a partner what feels good.
How should someone else know what you like if you do not know yourself?
On top of that: masturbation has been shown to reduce stress, improve sleep, and lift your mood. So it is not a substitute — it is pure self-care.
Menopause and desire: a persistent myth
Menopause does not mean the end of sexuality. Many women even experience a kind of reinvention during this phase — they know more clearly what they want and have less patience for what they do not want. The “no more bullshit” feeling many know is not lack of desire. It is empowerment.
Of course, the body changes. Hormones decline, the pace becomes slower. But that does not have to be a loss. It can also be an invitation to rediscover intimacy. Slower, more conscious, more real.
Slow sex is exactly that: no rushed movements, no pressure to orgasm, no goal other than feeling. Physical contact, eye contact, breathing together. For many couples, that is a real discovery.
Three tips if nothing is working at all right now
You notice that intimacy in your relationship, or with yourself, is falling by the wayside? Then start here:
- Step out of performance mode. You do not have to perform. Not in bed and not anywhere else. Give yourself permission to simply be.
- Get to know your body. Take time for yourself. Put on lotion consciously, feel what feels good. Without expectations and without a goal.
- Communicate without blame. Say what you want. Your partner is not a mind reader. And you do not have to carry everything alone.
And then: laugh. Together. About the moments that do not work. About yourselves. Humor is the most underrated aphrodisiac there is.
Want more? Glow Up Your Life!
If you want to dive deeper into this topic, listen to the current episode “In the mood for love: What good sex really needs” from Glow Up Your Life. Katja Burkhardt talks with Mignon Kowollik openly, honestly, and warmly about desire, body image, menopause, and the question of what fulfilling sex really needs.
Who is Mignon Kowollik? Mignon is a sex counselor, systemic coach, and hypnotherapist focusing on women’s health — especially during menopause. She lives in Hamburg, works with individuals and couples, and combines professional expertise with personal openness and genuine humor. In 2024, she made it into the top 10 of the Miss Germany competition in the social responsibility category. A sign of how important women’s education and empowerment are to her. Mignon says out loud what many people think but hardly anyone says. That is exactly what makes her the perfect conversation partner for this topic.
You can find the episode on all those podcast platforms:
