Closeness instead of cold distance: How couples find their way back to each other

Do you know the feeling of sitting next to someone you have known for decades and still feeling as if you are sitting across from a stranger? No great drama, no open fight. Just... silence. Next to each other instead of with each other. This quiet alienation is one of the greatest challenges of long relationships and at the same time one of the least talked about.

And yet it is often not broken love underneath it. But lost connection. And that can be regained — if you know how.

Love or habit? The most honest question of all

Anyone who has been together for a long time asks this question at some point. Sometimes out loud, sometimes only in silence: do I still love this person — or have I simply stayed because it is familiar?

The difference is decisive. Habit reduces the other person to their function: he brings in the money, she manages the household, together the daily routine works. Love, on the other hand, means: I plan my life with you. My dreams, my wishes — you are part of them. Today, with everything I know, I choose you again.

A question that brings surprising clarity: would you choose this person again today, exactly as they are? Not the version from 20 years ago — but the one today. The answer is more honest than any conversation.

What menopause does to love

Sixty-six percent of divorces in Great Britain are initiated by women between 44 and 55. Not a coincidence. Because in this phase of life, many things change at once: the body, the hormones, the self-image — and often the question of who you actually are beyond the roles of mother and partner.

Declining progesterone levels, the so-called feel-good hormone, create a shorter fuse, more irritability, less tolerance for what has long not been right. What many experience as a sudden relationship crisis is often simply the surfacing of things that have been lying beneath the surface for a long time.

And then the children leave home. Suddenly there are two people who for years organized themselves around logistics, homework, and family planning — and now have to see each other again as a couple. Who am I without my parenting role? Who are you? Who are we?

Sitting with that silence is hard. But it is also an invitation to get to know each other again.

The right order — and why it changes everything

When children enter a couple’s life, the same thing happens for many: the child moves into first place. Then maybe the job. The partnership? That can wait until the children are older.

That is human and understandable — but a mistake.

Because if you forget yourself, eventually you have nothing left to give. The right order is: first me, then us as a couple, then the child. Not because the child is unimportant — but because a stable partnership is the foundation children grow on. And because a woman who is doing well is a better mother than one who has put herself in fifth place. That may sound selfish. It is the opposite.

Real closeness does not happen by itself

For many women, intimacy does not begin in the bedroom but much earlier: with being seen. With being relieved. With the feeling that the other person notices the invisible mental load and takes care of things.

What couples in long relationships often lose is not affection. It is curiosity. Genuine interest: what is on your mind right now? What made you happy, angry, or moved you today?

A simple but powerful ritual: every evening, five minutes — sometimes they become three hours — of really talking to each other. Not about appointments and to-do lists. But about what is happening inside. What is truly driving the other person right now. This curiosity is not a nice-to-have. It is the glue that holds couples together.

Arguing without hurting — nonviolent communication in everyday life

Some words feel like blows. “You always do that.” “You never listen to me.” Such generalizations are not only unfair, they make any constructive conversation impossible.

The concept of nonviolent communication offers a way out. Instead of blame: observations. Instead of “You always leave your socks lying around,” better: “For the last three days your socks have been next to the washing machine. When that happens, I feel unappreciated. I would like you to put them in the laundry basket.”

Does that sound unnatural at first? True. But anyone who practices it notices: it changes the tone. And when the tone changes, a lot changes with it.

Also helpful is a finding from relationship research: every negative interaction needs five positive ones to restore balance. That does not mean ignoring problems — it means consciously naming the good too. Every day.

When separation is the braver decision

Sometimes staying is not strength, but fear. Fear of being alone. Fear of starting over. Fear of the question: Will anyone still love me?

That fear is real. And it is independent of age, because it affects women at 25 just as much as at 55. But it is not a good advisor.

Anyone who separates after many years rarely does so lightly. And anyone who finds the courage to leave a path that no longer works often has the chance at something more stable, more real. Because the relationships that arise after a conscious separation are often happier — because you have learned from mistakes. Because you know better who you are and what you really need. The pool of available, emotionally mature people may get smaller with age. But it is not empty.

What men can learn from women — and vice versa

Vulnerability is not weakness. It is authenticity. And it is, that should be said here, extraordinarily attractive. Men who can say: “I want to show you what is going on inside me. I trust that you can hold that with me” — they have understood what real connection means.

Women, in turn, may sometimes allow themselves not to talk every conflict through to the very last detail. A certain calmness, choosing your battles — that is not indifference. It is wisdom.

Three things you can do today

Relationships do not need grand gestures. They need consistency. Here are three small but effective steps:

• Introduce a ritual: a daily conversation, seven seconds of kissing, fifteen minutes of cuddling — find what suits you. And stick to it.
• Talk — but properly: not about everyday logistics, but about what really moves you. With genuine interest in the other person.
• Rethink your conflict culture: learn the other person’s red flags — and consciously avoid them. What immediately makes him furious? What hits you deeply? Talk about it when you are not in the middle of a fight.

And perhaps most importantly: ask yourself this evening why your partner is actually the best partner you could have. The answer changes your perspective. Sometimes that alone is enough.

Want more? Then tune in to Glow Up Your Life now!

If you want to dive deeper into these topics — from meno-divorce and nonviolent communication to the question of how to start over after a separation — listen to the current episode “Closeness instead of icy coldness! How we learn to love each other again” from Glow Up Your Life. Katja Burkhardt talks openly, honestly, and with the necessary dose of humor with Yvi Blum about everything that occupies us in long relationships.

Yvi Blum is a couples therapist, author, and presenter — and is known for her Instagram account Leben Liebe Schnaps, where she presents relationship knowledge in such an approachable and humorous way that you immediately feel understood. As a mother and fiancée, she speaks not only from theory but from real life. That is exactly what makes her the ideal conversation partner for all questions around love, closeness, and what truly sustains relationships. You can find the episode on all those podcast platforms:

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